We all want to be judged on our intention. Instead, we’re judged on our impact.
In a recent coaching conversation, my client Jessica shared her frustration about a deteriorating relationship with Maya, her direct report of nine years. “Something’s up with Maya, and we’re just not getting along like we used to,” Jessica explained. “She took an emergency week off, she’s being rude to me as her boss, and we’re not communicating well.”
As we examined the situation, it became clear that Jessica had allowed minor issues to accumulate without addressing them promptly. Several incidents created tension between them in the office. What Jessica hadn’t fully recognized was the unintended impact her actions— and inactions —were having on her colleague.
This scenario highlights one of the most common challenges I face in my coaching practice: the gap between our intentions and the impact we have on others.
The Intention-Impact Gap
We all want others to judge us based on our intentions—what we meant to do or say. However, the reality is that people judge us based on the impact of our actions or words—how our behavior makes them feel or what consequences it creates.
When we fail to recognize this gap, our attempts to apologize often fall flat. Consider these common non-apologies:
● “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings” (said with a tone suggesting it’s the other person’s problem)
● “Sorry if you’re upset by what I said.”
● “That wasn’t my intention” (used as a defense rather than taking responsibility)
These statements focus entirely on defending our intentions rather than acknowledging the impact we’ve had. They often leave the other person feeling unheard and invalidated.
A Better Way to Apologize
A more effective approach to apologizing involves these key elements:
1. Acknowledge the impact first: “Maya, I’ve done something to hurt your feelings, and I am so sorry about that.”
2. Zip it: Let your apology land. Don’t immediately follow with explanations or defenses. Give the other person space to feel heard.
3. Get curious: “Tell me more about how my words or actions made you feel.”
4. Only later, share your intention: After the person feels heard, you might share what you intended, but with humility: “I was trying to accomplish X. Clearly, I didn’t do a good job of that.”
This approach requires humility and a willingness to prioritize the relationship over being right. It means accepting that your impact matters more than what you meant to say or do or accomplish.
Watching for Our Impact
Part of emotional intelligence is developing awareness of how our words and actions affect others. This is especially crucial in leadership roles, where our impact is magnified.
As I shared with Jessica, we need to be mindful and watch for our impact. Too often, we become caught up in our own experiences—in our heads—and fail to notice how our words and actions land with others.
Paying attention to our impact requires:
● Observing others’ reactions to our words and actions
● Asking for feedback regularly
● Being willing to adjust our approach when we notice negative impacts
● Cleaning up misunderstandings promptly rather than letting them fester or accumulate
The Leadership Opportunity
As leaders, we have a unique opportunity to model this behavior of noticing and owning our impact on others. When we take responsibility for our impact, regardless of our intentions, we create psychological safety that allows team members to do the same.
In Jessica’s case, she realized she needed to have an honest conversation with Maya. Rather than defending her intentions or minimizing Maya’s feelings, she acknowledged the impact of her actions and opened space for Maya to share her experience. This approach not only repaired their relationship but also strengthened it by demonstrating Jessica’s commitment to Maya’s well-being.
Remember: Your intention shapes your actions, but your impact shapes your relationships. By focusing on impact first, you create space for genuine connection and growth, both personally and professionally.
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Michelle Sanford
Executive Leadership Consultant
Michelle Sanford is a certified executive coach who has spent her career working with senior leaders and their teams to reach peak performance in both their professional and personal lives. With over 25 years of corporate experience, Michelle has held a variety of leadership roles and industries, working in sales, marketing, product development, operations and management. She built her operations and innovation expertise as an Innovation Analyst and an Operations Director before taking a role as the Director of Product Marketing. For the past two decades, Michelle has leveraged her organizational and management knowledge to help CEO’s and executives across the United States, to help them achieve maximum results and sustain life-changing behaviors.
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