The conversation is the relationship. And most leaders are missing the mark on this critical connection point.
Last month, I was working with a VP of Operations who was struggling with team performance. Despite having talented people, projects were stalling, morale was low, and turnover was creeping up. When I asked about his 1:1 meetings with direct reports, he sheepishly admitted, “We don’t really have them. I mean, we talk when issues come up, but nothing formal.”
Many of us can relate to this scenario. We used to be good at having regular one-on-ones, perhaps, but sometimes we have a busy season and we let them slide. The most important thing is to recognize when this happens and get back on track with them as quickly as possible.
After digging deeper, we discovered that his team felt disconnected from him and unsure about priorities. They were making assumptions about what he wanted, and he was making assumptions about their capabilities and motivations. The lack of regular, structured conversations was creating a cascade of miscommunication and missed opportunities.
Within six weeks of implementing a solid 1:1 framework, everything changed. Team members started bringing forward innovative ideas, addressing challenges proactively, and taking more ownership of their work. The VP told me, “I can’t believe how much I was missing by letting these conversations slide.”
This transformation isn’t unique. It’s what happens when leaders recognize that the conversation is the relationship (as Susan Scott writes in her book Fierce Conversations), and relationships are the foundation of high-performing teams.
Why (Effective) 1:1 Meetings Are So Important
Effective, personalized communication is one of the most vital ingredients for success that is lacking in organizations. We get so caught up in the day-to-day operations that we forget to invest in the human connections that make everything else possible.
Effective 1:1 meetings serve multiple purposes:
• Support and develop your team members
• Gather feedback from the front lines
• Deepen trust and strengthen relationships
• Prevent small issues from becoming big problems
• Align on priorities and expectations
When much is expected, more support is needed. Regular 1:1s enable you to provide that support systematically rather than reactively.
The Complete 1:1 Framework That Actually Works
Here’s the agenda structure that has transformed countless teams:
1. Start with Personal Check-ins
Begin with personal connection as appropriate. Take an interest in their holistic wellbeing and life outside of work. This isn’t merely small talk; it’s relationship building. When people feel seen as whole humans, they bring more of themselves to work.
2. Use these 4 Reflection Questions
This is where the magic happens. These simple, but powerful, questions help both of you learn and grow from recent experiences:
• What went well? (And how can we celebrate it?)
• How can we leverage what worked?
• What could have gone better?
• What could you try differently next time?
These questions create a culture of continuous improvement while maintaining psychological safety. You’re not looking for blame; you’re looking for learning. Learn more about how to use these powerful reflection questions with your team here.
3. Project Updates
Get status updates on key initiatives, but don’t let this dominate the conversation. Focus on obstacles, resource needs, and strategic alignment rather than just task completion
4. Offer Support
Ask: “What support do you need from me in the coming week(s)?” This question alone can prevent countless frustrations and roadblocks.
5. Feedback in Both Directions
This is crucial: feedback flows both ways. Share specific, affirmational, and constructive feedback about their performance, and actively ask for feedback about your leadership and support. You want to consistently ask and make it safe for your direct reports to give you both constructive and positive feedback. Just because you’re the manager doesn’t mean that all the feedback should be coming from you to them. The more you consistently ask (and receptively receive it, of course), the more they will understand that you genuinely mean it and that it’s safe to give their honest feedback.
6. Career Development Conversations
At least quarterly, dive deeper into their professional growth, aspirations, and development needs. What skills do they want to build? What experiences would help them grow? And how can you support them?
7. Accountability and Next Steps
End with clarity: “Who will do what, by when?” We discuss many topics in our one-on-ones, and helping your direct report manage priorities is incredibly valuable. “Who will do what by when” doesn’t mean that everything is due as quickly as possible. Be intentional about clarifying at the end of the meeting which items are true priorities and which can be addressed at a later time. This helps prevent overwhelm and ensures focus on what matters most.
Pro Tips for 1:1 Success
• Use a Shared Document: Create a shared doc with the date and agenda so both you and your direct report can add items throughout the week. This ensures nothing important gets forgotten and creates a record of your conversations.
• Negotiate the Cadence: Check in regularly about timing and frequency. Some team members need weekly touchpoints, others do well with bi-weekly meetings. The key is consistency and mutual agreement.
• Make It Sacred Time: Protect these meetings fiercely. While occasional rescheduling may be necessary, avoid making it a frequent occurrence. Consistently canceling or rescheduling sends the message that the relationship isn’t a priority.
• Listen More Than You Talk: Your job is to understand, support, and guide, not to dominate the conversation. Asking more questions is also a kind thing to do. Ask more questions than making statements to learn more about how they’re thinking about their work.
The Ripple Effect of Great 1:1s
When you invest in regular, meaningful 1:1 conversations, you’re not just improving individual relationships; you’re transforming your entire team culture. Team members feel more valued, communicate more openly, and take greater ownership of their work.
Remember, leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about creating the conditions where your team can do their best work. And that starts with the simple but powerful act of having regular, intentional conversations.
The conversation is the relationship. It’s worth the investment.
Michelle Sanford
Executive Leadership Consultant
Michelle Sanford is a certified executive coach who has spent her career working with senior leaders and their teams to reach peak performance in both their professional and personal lives. With over 25 years of corporate experience, Michelle has held a variety of leadership roles and industries, working in sales, marketing, product development, operations and management. She built her operations and innovation expertise as an Innovation Analyst and an Operations Director before taking a role as the Director of Product Marketing. For the past two decades, Michelle has leveraged her organizational and management knowledge to help CEO’s and executives across the United States, to help them achieve maximum results and sustain life-changing behaviors. Michelle holds a BA in Individual and Organizational Leadership from DePaul University, is certified in career and education advising from CAEL & Indiana University, and is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC) and a Professional Certified Coach (PCC). Michelle is comfortable in the boardroom, the conference room or on the front line and brings a solid performance focus and a heart of compassion to every client interaction.
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